The Steely Resolve of Ladies Parking

25  August  2018

There’s a war going on out there. Innumerable skirmishes every day, never reported in the news. But, like plaque, they build up a hard coating around the area of the brain that should exude fairness and friendliness. What was a gusher of gemultlikeit is now a dried, cracked river bed of qualm and doubt. It’s led to a rise in our overall On-Edge Quotient.

To wit, a lady pulled her car behind mine, as I prepared to pull ahead and back into a parking space. I had my blinker on which was an indication of intention to take the space. By the vagaries of luck, I got there a few seconds before she did, but she didn’t go around me, conceding my rights to it. She obviously thought the space was still in play. There’s little arms-length dealing in love, war and parking spaces in New York. So I figured that when I pulled forward to back in, she’d slyly slide front first into the space…and tell me she thought I was double parked and it’s too late to leave now, she’s already in.

So as nature dictated, I dug in my heels. I sat and waited for her to go around me. But she sat, too. She honked. I sat. She honked again. Finally, lacking the patience for a protracted battle, I backed up two or three feet to her bumper and pulled into the space front first, like she, no doubt, was planning to do. It made parking more difficult, but I worked into the space. Then she pulled up to me, opened the window and asked if I couldn’t move up a couple of feet to the car in front of me. There’s enough space for another car behind you, she said. Ma’am, I said, there isn’t room for a rickshaw in that space. She drove off.

Such is the competition for parking spaces in New York. Even elderly ladies, scheming like the pickpockets in Rome…are wily and tenacious and tactical as Sun Tzu…and hard as nails. Why, sir, she’d likely say, sweet as syrup, when you pulled up, supposedly to back in, I scooted in front first, so no one else could take the space. Then, of course, she’d trot out the old canard about thinking I was double parked and she thought I pulled up to let her have the space. So to avoid the unpleasantness, (including a smirk on her face as she locked her car and walked away), I did what I had to do..

Such are the feral thoughts one needs to survive in the big city. Wouldn’t it be somewhat embarrassing to be aced out by a grandma who’d likely have dismissed my complaining by telling me curtly…too bad, sonny, this is New York, grow up. Life is all about avoidance of humiliation and keeping one’s psyche in tact.

After all, nobody’s going to smack an old lady over a parking space, are they?

Nothing Says Hydration Like Vitamin Water

10 August 2018

A girl stomped out of Pret a Manger, obviously annoyed, talking into her cell phone. “Doesn’t anybody have any goddamn Vitamin Water? Three stores and I can’t find one lousy bottle. I don’t even care what flavor. I just need some hydration. I’ve been walking around this city all day. My Skechers are worn out and I’m tired as a pony at a kids’ party. (Now there’s an analogy I didn’t expect.)

And out she walked onto Broadway and 45th on a mild Friday night in June, as the theaters let out, to be engulfed by a flash flood of humanity that pushed her into me, as we were caught in a pedestrian flow toward Times Square…everyone trying to find the next good time on their night out in New York. With a number of desperate “Excuse mes” and scowls, she did maneuver to the storefront side of the surge, looking for the next store that might offer the hope of Vitamin Water.

She slipped into a pizza parlor that had a refrigerated drink case. No Vitamin Water. “What’s going on with no Vitamin Water? ” One of the pizza crew said they only carry Pepsi and Vitamin Water’s not made by Pepsi. We can provide you with other vitamin-infused beverages, he said loftily, seeing her irritation. But she was having none of it. She wasn’t going to be snookered into a substitute. It was now the quest for the holy grail, well beyond reason. It was only water, but now the search for Vitamin Water had morphed into obsession. She had the cockeyed resolve of a Crusader, wandering with great personal discomfort in the holy land, knowing her cause was just.

Thirst was no problem. Weariness would be no impediment. Walking, that rubbed her feet into blisters at the Metropolitan Museum earlier, didn’t matter. Her banner was Vitamin Water and she’d find it or die trying. A block below 42nd she found a QuikMart. No Vitamin Water…but other brands…just the same…the manager said. “Like hell”, she said on the way out. The crowd had thinned. She turned on 41st Street. There was a halal food cart on the corner. “You got Vitamin Water? Oh, yes, miss and handed her a bottle of Diet Coke. “You must be kidding…you imbecile”, the latter said under her breath.

At Eighth Avenue, great hope…the bus terminal. In its vastness there must be Vitamin Water. Sure enough in a small refrigerator, she spotted a bottle of Kiwi Strawberry Vitamin Water. “Not my favorite flavor, but, hey, victory at last”. She found a bench, uncapped and drank deeply and closed her eyes for a brief nap…a nap of satisfaction. She awoke, however, bottle in hand, but with her wallet and cell phone missing.

Sometimes obsession comes at a high price.

Sometimes Free Is Free…Sometimes It Isn’t

13 July 2018

A friend of mine, Oscar Rumba, a Cuban Czech, who’s been living and working here with a green card for years, related some good news that befell him last year. I’m not sure why it took him a year to unburden himself of good news, but it did. I asked why the wait? Why am I the last to know? Oh, no, he said, you’re the first. This, I said, must have been really good news. He grasped me by the elbow. guided me to a nearby saloon, ordered up a couple of lagers and sat us down on high bar stools and with a furrowed brow began telling me of his kismet.

I don’t know about you, he said, but I have never won a thing in my life…raffles, silent auctions, lotteries, slot machines…nothing. You’d think, once in a while, I’d get some combination of bells or plums at a casino and get a payoff…nothing big, but something. Closest I got was an email from a Nigerian prince, sitting on millions in oil revenue that he’d love to share with me, if I only would provide him with a bank account number for transfer of said millions…and, oh, a few measly thousands for transfer expenses, title fees, a plane ticket to come here to sign the documents and his dry cleaning…a small price to pay for wealth.

Well, a year ago my luck changed. I got a call from on an organization I give money to and found that my name was automatically entered in a contest and through some heavenly provenance, I won. Pop the champagne, they told me, you’re going to Paris for a week. You’ve won two…get this…two first-class airline tickets to Paris. No kidding?, I asked. I don’t know the appropriate response to such news. Should I jump up and down, cry, shriek or shout endlessly, “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it”, like I see Publishers Clearing House winners do. I did get excited when, a few days later, the tickets arrived. Well, clear the calendar, hon, we’re off to Paris, with a champagne and pate reception at the airport when we leave and a meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant our first night there and a discount coupon for a petite gem of a left-bank hotel. My stars had aligned.

Expenses while we were there, of course, were ours, but we’d eat cheap, have a hotel discount and do a lot of walking. Well, in Paris you don’t eat cheap, which we found the first morning, when we forked over 15 bucks to have croissants and lattes, standing up at a breakfast bar. Evidently word had not been Morse-coded to the French that many American hotels have the grace to provide free morning fare. Then there were scrawny lunches at about 15 bucks a pop and 30 dollar dinners with house wine. With a splurge or two, food was about $125 a day. It’s okay, we’re on vacation and the airline tickets were free.

We conquered our acrophobia and booked an elevator to the top of the Eiffel Tower…how many times will we be in Paris? Stomachs churned, but we survived…about 30 dollars each. The Louvre was about 15 each and the Musee d’Orsay was about 15 as well. Monet, how could we leave without a print…and a Cezanne and a Renoir. We didn’t play favorites. I don’t even want to mention the cost of a Hermes scarf. But, hey, we’re on vacation and the airline tickets were free..

Came down to the last day and the hotel bill was presented on a silver tray…not a good sign. Our petite gem was $300 a night with the benefit of the discount coupon from the group that provided the airline tickets. I now know the appropriate response for winning the contest…weeping.

But worse was on tap. We went to the airport for the return flight and the clerk at check-in, looked at my documents, glanced at me, turned her back and made a call, shielding the call with her hand. A supervisor showed up, perused my papers and, grimacing like a judge at the Inquisition, announced with a wisp of a grin that my green card had wandered into expiration. I couldn’t get back into the US. After I disgorged a few grand in legal penance and spent a few extra days in Paris, I was deemed acceptable once more. And with an au revoir, I was ushered past immigration control to fly to the land of the free.

The moral: Sometimes free is free…sometimes it isn’t.

Shun That Man…He Talks Too Much

4 July 2018

Plausibly enough, I get annoyed with people who aren’t mindful enough when they launch into singular conversation with strangers in the vicinity. There’s something to be said for self-awareness and not talking aloud when others might want privacy. I say this, perhaps, because I incline to be introverted (more or less successfully) and more cautious than I need to be. The sword of capriciousness and never dubbed me “intrusive”.

Certainly there are some folks desperate for an audience. But in the confines of a men’s room with multiple urinals…that usually makes most of us more discreet, less chatty…like talking in an elevator. Almost everyone will shut down conversation for the few seconds on the way up or down. We become…eyes down…mute. Everyone’s self-conscious silence has a multiplier effect on everyone else…usually.

But not always. Just when I think. I’m being unavailable and protected from random conversation, someone nearby starts in, out of the blue, dispensing information about personal stuff he should be sharing discreetly with his doctor in a soundproof office. It was a stranger at a urinal next to me who put my invisibility to the test. He started rambling aloud like I had a researcher’s interest in his urologic history.

It’s tough getting older, he said. Takes me a while to get started, even though I gotta go like a son of a gun. So now I got a prescription for Myrbetriq, which means I only get up to pee three times a night instead of six. But it costs me a fortune…360 bucks a month…for 30 pills. Can you believe that? I used to pee twice a day tops. Now I gotta make sure I know where there’s a can, when I walk around the block.

I keep telling myself, maybe, it’s the Bud Light. But, hey, I’m not giving up beer just to pee a little less. That’s like giving up golf, because you can’t break a hundred. Right?

Why he thinks I’m hanging on every word, I don’t know, because we’re both looking straight ahead at the wall and he can’t get a read on whether I’m listening or not. And I’m not encouraging him…not a peep from me. But he keeps going.

I’m in the car a few days ago, he said, going 60 on a highway and I’m dying…no place to stop…

Listen, I’d love to hear more, I said, but my girl friend is outside waiting for me.
Well okay then, he said. Nice talking to you. And, really, I hope it never happens to you.

How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

2 June 2018

I’d like to address the matter of talent not being distributed evenly…and its corollary…thankfulness for not having to make a living as a musician. It’s a fact that became indelibly clear to me at a long-ago concert at Bard College to commemorate the opening of a new performance center designed by Frank Gehry.

But first, what jogged my memory was a concert Roberta and I heard on Memorial Day this past Monday in Brooklyn performed by the Interschool Orchestra, an audition-only assemblage made up of New York City school students. To my relatively untrained ear, they were terrific, even tucking one of the most challenging pieces…the overture to Bernstein’s comic opera Candide…into their repertoire. Lilting Mozart it is not. What it is, is a raucous, fun bit of musical thunder with a lot of moving parts that have to be in sync to work. I wondered about its degree of difficulty compared to other pieces and asked, Answers.com, to see if it’s as hard to play as I suspected. Someone explained it in diving terms…it’s like a reverse four and a half somersault piked from a three meter board.* Yes, very difficult…and these were kids.

A string orchestra from a high school in Virginia played two opening selections and they, too, were impressive. And then it began to dawn on me that the amount of musical talent out there is incredible. Most of the millions who start with instruments get peeled away early on the way up the musical ladder. By the time anyone gets through junior high, high school, college and conservatory, they are good and music is what they want to do. And then the hard part begins. They’ve got to find an orchestra to audition for. I was peeled off in junior high, lasting two shrieking weeks on the violin and about a year on the clarinet. Ready to move on I was not. It’s the same daunting odds of making it to the top in anything, like baseball. Putting in the time and the practice is no guarantee that you’ll get past playing slow-pitch in the local rec league. (It’s the old lament about Ph.Ds driving cabs.)

Now back to the inaugural concert at Bard College and talent not being distributed evenly, proved by those who do ascend from the lucky gene pool. The soloist that night was a young man, late 20s, named Melvin Chen. His curriculum vitae made Nobel Laureates seem like shift workers at an auto plant. He graduated from Yale with two Bachelor of Science degrees…one in chemistry and the other in physics…then added a Harvard Ph.D in chemistry. Sounds promising, no?

Yes, but then he decided that there’s more to life that tinkering with theoretical chemistry and was lured by the siren call of the music hall. So, of course, his path led to Julliard for a couple of master’s degrees…one in violin and the other in piano. That evening at Bard, he played the piano. Probably could have sung Falstaff, if asked…or played the xylophone, standing on his head.

*Not info I carry around in my head. The Internet is wonderful.

The Perversity of Doing Something You Know Is Going to Hurt

13 May 2018

Who worries about waking up with a sore rotator cuff? That hinge of muscles and tendons that hold my shoulder in place is not foremost in my thoughts. I wouldn’t mind, if it were a worry of mine because I was under contract to throw a baseball 90+ miles an hour, a hundred times every five days for an unseemly amount of money. But, alas, my rotator cuffs aren’t monetized that way. So I take them for granted.

It might seem like I’m short-changing gratitude, since I don’t wake up thinking about all the medical problems that didn’t accompany my awakening…that would, fortunately, be a major morning recitation. Sure, there’s an unspoken gratitude for not waking up with aches and pains and palpitations, etc. But not saying so should not offend the author of my well-being.

So why do I mention rotator cuffs in the first place? I was asked to take my nine-year-old grandson to his baseball game this past week. And, by the way, I was told he’d like to get to the ball field early, so he could have a catch…with me. Awards at the Kennedy Center are thin gruel by comparison. If something is better than that, I can’t think of what it is. And that’s the clue about where rotator cuffs come in.

For 20 years (up to about 15 years ago) I woke up every summer Sunday morning, buttoned and belted myself into uniform, laced up my cleats and played the American pastime. And for most of my life, I’ve played tennis…serving, overheads, ground strokes…never to waken the next morning with a murmur from my shoulder. But it’s not 15 years ago and I haven’t played tennis for four years.

But, I said to myself, he’s only a wisp of a nine-year-old. I can throw it easy…but not too easy. He’s got to know I was a credible athlete once. So we’ll soft toss the ball for a few minutes, I thought, and then pick up the pace. By that time the rest of the team will show up and he’ll go warm up with them. Well, soft toss was a fantasy. He put a sting on it from the first throw. So that’s the way you want it, I said to myself, and threw it back. But 15 years had softened my velocity a tad. And instead of a thud into his mitt, it landed like a butterfly. We threw for about 20 minutes…low throws, high throws, grounders, popups. I managed to get a bit of velocity back, nothing he couldn’t handle with ease. The rest if the team finally did show up and off he went to practice with them.

I dreaded the shoulder pain I’d have in the morning. No doubt, I wouldn’t be able to lift my arm high enough to get the wallet out of my pocket. But, hey, it was worth it, throwing with my grandson. By the middle of the next afternoon, telling a friend about our catch, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t even aware of my shoulder…not even a twinge. So pain-free activities now include throwing a baseball. I might have to dust off my tennis racquet.

Calamity Flashed Briefly, Then Disappeared

20 April 2018

To borrow and embroider a well-worn first line from Victorian novels…”It was a dark and stormy night…with sideways rain and the skin crawl of inchoate fear. Oh, there was something out there alright, lurking…a creepy, shadowy specter of nearby calamity about to launch itself upon me…” Well, you get the idea.

It was on such a raw, disappointingly cold April night that I arrived at JFK a couple of years ago. By the time I was whisked by shuttle to the parking lot to collect my car, it was 9:30, moonless and miserable. After a day of travel there was still nearly an hour’s drive home. That wasn’t so bad, except for the wind, the rain, too few lights, too few signs and a touch of self doubt about where I was  going.

How hard would it be for long-term parking to put up a sign pointing the way to the Belt  Parkway service road? But there was none. Guessing, I turned right into the darkness and after a few uneasy minutes, saw distant airport lights on the right, just where they should have been. Now I just had to drive to the first underpass, take two lefts to the Belt service road going west…a four-lane road with several side-by-side overhead signs to various roads. Take any, but the right one, and I’d be lost until sunup.

The painted lane lines, well-faded to begin with, were all but erased by the rain. The rain overwhelmed the windshield wipers, so the sign letters were cartoonishly wavy. I  slowed to get a read. It was late, but in New York, there was traffic…impatient, honking, on edge.  Of course, I was in the wrong lane…almost swallowed up by the Belt going toward Brooklyn.  I leaned forward for a better look and at the last second eased out of that lane. The next sign I deciphered was to the Van Wyck. I relaxed…a familiar road away from the airport, heading home. I got into an entrance lane for it and stopped at a red light. A police car, roof lights flashing, was in the lane on my right.

A hundred times a day, driving, I change lanes and a hundred times I signal, automatically, even with no cars around. But this one time, squinting at signs, dealing with surging rain, trying to find lane lines, I didn’t. There was a honk…from the lit-up police car on my right. He rolled down his window and with a circular motion told me to roll down mine. It must have been important to him, because he was getting pelted by the rain. My window was open on the passenger side. “You know”, he said, “you didn’t signal, when you changed lanes. I just pulled over the car in front of me. Otherwise, it would have been you.” I smiled, said “thanks, won’t let it happen again”, but felt sorry for his need to get soaked, mentioning my infraction. I was, though, grateful for his prior engagement.

Civility, Fraternity, Gastronomy

4 April 2018

I was yanked back to a vivid, if humbling, memory of an incident years ago by a book I’m reading now, written by an American couple…a couple who decamps yearly to provincial France (Provence, actually) for a summer month of civility, fraternity, gastronomy and the attempt to stanch a year’s worth of language seepage from the previous year’s month spent in France, when they almost got back the seepage from the year before that. It’s a constant battle , because stateside there are precious few ways to maintain, much less improve the march toward fluency…a French movie, reading the menu at a French restaurant, a lecture that mostly flies over your head, a French class once a week.

In my case, I sallied forth to France with a thin veneer of high school French and the confidence that merely trying to get along in the native language would endear me to the locals. And for the most part it worked, as long as I stuck to renting a room, asking directions, ordering food, etc. More than that I was drowning in an incomprehensible wave of French idioms.

It was in the early 60s that I took an initial trip to France…a week in Paris, a week roaming the countryside and then another few days back in Paris. In Paris I found a small hotel, left-bank narrow, with an art deco elevator cage. The owner was a very courtly, kindly white-haired gentleman of an age, no doubt, who had seen years of nasty European history pass under his gaze. After a week I left for Normandy, the Loire Valley, Champagne. But my crowning achievement was arranging, in French, to return in a week and have a room in his superbe hotel for another few days. Done and done.

And so I was off to the glories of Rouen, the rock arches of Etretat in the English Channel, the vineyards of the Loire Valley and, finally, the day before my triumphal return to Paris, Troyes, southeast of Paris.

I can only hope that in the intervening decades, Troyes has been blessed with a renaissance that has touched up some aspects of its drab, rusted, industrial charms. I found a hotel late in the afternoon, and, needing a little shuteye, fell backwards onto the expected softness of the bed, which almost vaulted me back up like a trampoline. I eased myself onto it and realized that outside the traffic was as loud as 42nd Street at show time. Worse, there was a strong gas smell. A struck match to ignite a Gauloises somewhere in the hotel and poof. So I made a return trip with my valise down to the front desk and told them of the impeding disaster. My well-meant caveat they acknowledged with sullen grace. It iz not zat bad, they told me.

I decided to drive into Paris. I would be there a night early, but maybe my hotel would have a room. Along the road, I found a phone booth, crammed more than enough francs into it and, mon deux, the owner picked up. Now I had to explain myself. Words flew away. Nothing in the phrase book was appropriate. I stammered, I shed tears, I perspired. It was a minute or two…by far the longest of my life. I was a prisoner of my ignorance of French, Finally, the white-haired Galahad on the other end of the line asked…monsieur, do you speak English?

A Triumph…There Are All Kinds

2 March 2018

Improbable conquests: climbing Everest; the four-minute mile; the six-minute Louvre; eating 72 hot dogs in 10 minutes (Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest record); landing a quadruple toe loop and: finding four parking spaces in Manhattan on a Saturday night. I’m not built for high altitude, speed, spinning or distending my stomach, so the fifth challenge was the only one I’d try.

This past Saturday Roberta and I opted to take a car into mid-town, because we had three places to go…in different parts of the city. The subway was out of the question…the #1 (the nearest train) wasn’t running…track work over the weekend. Taxis were a possibility, but who can find even one on a Saturday night? (We’d need four.)

And so with misgivings we drove, first to the meatpacking district (lower westside) to an art gallery to see a friend’s paintings. Parking there is measured in fractions of a percent, since bikes and buses are taking up more street space. But, despite my pessimism, a spot appeared. Roberta, the genie of parking karma, claimed some of hers was rubbing off on me.

After the gallery, we drove across town for a 6:30 movie, allowing 20 minutes to drive and a half hour to try and park. What do you mean try and park, she jabbed from the passenger side. Think like a pessimist and you’ll never find spaces…like that one over there, she pointed and shrieked. We’re in a traffic jam…it can’t be a space, I said. Somebody would’ve taken it. But I scooted over and backed in. Take the space first and then check for No Parking signs later. We analyzed, check and rechecked…it was good.

Then perversity intervened. We walked four blocks to the theater, slid a credit card into the ticket machine to find the 6:30 was sold out. There were two tickets left for the 9:45. We were going for Szechuan after the movie…across town. A change was needed…so we’d eat now and come back for the 9:45. We walked back to the car and, nonchalant as bush pilots, gave up the parking space. Who does such a thing? Better to find a restaurant nearby than to give up the space. Plans needn’t be set in cement.

Back in the car we crossed town to the restaurant, which is surrounded by a cityscape of high-rise apartments, where parking spaces are as rare as red diamonds. But it was our night. A third space on a Saturday night materialized…a jewel in asphalt. We were innocents in the city that night with the hubris of golfers expecting par. Kung Pao chicken never tasted as good.

Then it was back to the movie on the eastside, going for a fourth space on Saturday night. Comeuppance was likely at hand. Traffic was heavier. It was high tide…restaurants and clubs overflowed. An ambulance ten cars back of us wailed desperately trying to get through. Then, miraculously, a space popped up…no hydrant, no driveway, no church entrance. It was like planting a flag atop Everest. I pulled up to back in. The car in back pulled up, so I couldn’t. The ambulance still wailed, now five cars in back of us, then four, three, two. The car in back finally gave in, backed up and with inches to spare went around us. We backed in just before the ambulance squeezed past. A fourth space on Saturday night.

It was quarter to twelve when the movie let out. We could have run to the car and tried for a fifth space before midnight, but that would only have been to gild the lily, not because we had another stop planned for the night. But we did drive uptown with smug smiles of satisfaction.

Darkness at Noon…I’m Going to Miss It

8 February 2018

We get used to loss more easily these days. In former times, we said solemn, extended, teary goodbyes…FDR, JFK, MLK…a part of our own stories taken from us. But now with 24-hour news, social media and deep dives into ubiquitous celebrity trivia, there is but a more fleeting time for sadness over what used to be heartrending events. Except for two weeks ago and the passing of the Lincoln Plaza Cinema across from Lincoln Center in New York. It was like a favorite uncle taken from us…needlessly, too soon, from a botched medical procedure. He should have been around much longer.

But, you might say, it’s a movie theater. Why am I obsessing over a movie theater? Well, it was more than a theater. Roberta, my significant other (words to describe companions well past adolescence are few), lives near Columbia University, sixty streets north of the theater. But still it was our local theater, because of the movies the owners chose to show…movies with European subjects, middle eastern subjects, mold-breaking themes with appeal to a tighter audience. They certainly appealed to the west side progressives (radicals even) who found a home for their cultural proclivities. These were not movies that gave a shot of the box office plasma that multiplexes need, though once in a while they did throw in first-run movies. But always interesting films. And then there was the refreshment counter…different as well with lemon squares, babka, carrot cake, rugalach, oatmeal cookies…you get the idea.

The closing was not a show the last movie, turn off the lights and lock the door affair. It was a wake, a shiva-sitting for the decades-long faithful, who listened to speakers who had known the owners and effervesced about them and the movies they showed and the directors who previewed movies there. Michael Moore, the last speaker, never successful in finding restraint, when illuminating the shortcomings of those with whom he disagrees, summoned anger and frustration over another cultural icon being lost to tawdry, runaway capitalism.

Then there were the grieving souls, the audience, another leg of the stool that gave them cultural sustenance, taken away. A lady in back of us…a film critic for an outré publication…who looked like she took time away from fortune-telling, dressed in a red satin coat with the gold embroidery of 16th century European royalty, a red velvet poof of a hat and ten rings, was taking notes and holding court with those she knew…one, a man, surely a steady at the theater, who apologized for his wife’s absence…she was home writing a libretto. I asked a man in back of me, clearly distraught, what he planned to do. Protest, he said. It works. There used to be pimps and prostitutes and drug dealers in my apartment building. I went to the cops and told them I had an AK-47 and that if they didn’t take care of it, I would. Another woman, with a starry-eyed lost look, whose family used to own a small bungalow colony in the Catskills, hadn’t decided what she could do.

The ceremonies ended, as wakes and shivas do, with hors d’oeuvres, wine and pastries and brave smiles. But now we’ve got to figure out where are we going to see movies like the last one they showed…”My Coffee with Jewish Friends”. I forgot to ask the clairvoyant if she could rattle some chains and come up with an answer.